Relational mediation: why opt for an approach based on the relationship between the parties?

The term "mediation" is often misused, applied in various contexts to refer to practices that sometimes have nothing in common (cultural mediation, environmental mediation, judicial mediation, etc.). Even when there is a general agreement that mediation is "a conflict management process where an impartial third party guides the parties in dialogue," many differences remain in how mediation is practiced. Indeed, there are various approaches to mediation, ranging from legalistic to humanistic. Each of these approaches has its advantages and limitations, depending on the context in which it is used. While in legal or corporate disputes it may be relevant to focus more on solutions and reaching an agreement—as with conciliation, negotiation, or even arbitration—in the context of interpersonal conflicts, it may be more beneficial to opt for an approach primarily focused on the relationship between the parties rather than on the final agreement.

Whether it is within a couple, family, between neighbors, between roommates, between friends or even between colleagues, when there are unspoken things, resentment, unexpressed or unmet needs, aggression, clashes of values, prejudices or assumptions of intent, the conflict can sometimes crystallize around a specific subject, but is nevertheless more symptomatic of a relational problem.

Example: Your neighbor invited several residents of the neighborhood to a party, but you didn't receive an invitation. This upset you because you thought you had a good relationship with him. You suspect your neighbor is homophobic, and that's why he didn't invite you, since you're in a same-sex relationship. Relations are becoming increasingly strained, and you can no longer tolerate the leaves from his trees falling onto your driveway. You think he's happy to bother you like this. You decide to go to mediation to resolve this issue related to the trees. During mediation, and by exploring the various emotions involved in the relationship, you discover that your neighbor had invited you to the party, but you hadn't received the message because you had changed your phone number. He has nothing against same-sex relationships and is sorry about the leaves falling on your property, offering to come and collect them every week. In fact, it doesn't bother you as much anymore since you learned that your neighbor respects and appreciates you.

As illustrated in this example, sometimes by arranging the relationship, deconstructing preconceived ideas , and changing perspective, the "official" object of the conflict can be easily resolved or even take on secondary importance.

Furthermore, mediation that focuses on the relationship rather than solely on the immediate issue of the encounter allows for a general calming of tensions and prevents the emergence of other potential conflicts. Indeed, because the underlying reasons for the conflict have been addressed, there is less risk of another conflict arising between the individuals. Moreover, the mediation process equips them with healthy and constructive ways to communicate . Finally, a solution, which is more likely to emerge if there is genuine collaboration rather than animosity, is more probable to be implemented in the long term if the relationship is peaceful and there is mutual understanding .

By addressing the underlying issues in the relationship, and not just the apparent problem, we reduce the negative emotions generated by the conflict, foster the emergence of realistic, equitable, and lasting solutions, and promote long-term harmony in the relationships between the individuals involved. This also gives more intimate relationships a chance to be maintained, developed, and flourish through healthy communication, rather than severing all contact or cultivating resentment, even if a specific problem has been resolved through mediation.

Sometimes the crux of the problem is genuinely material and concrete (for example, a recurring noise), but by helping people better understand each other's needs, realities, and intentions, it contributes to moderate radical viewpoints and finding solutions together. It also happens that some people, often very lonely, create conflict simply to connect with others. In this case as well, it's not so much the subject of the disagreement that's relevant, but rather understanding the underlying needs.

Finally, some situations that may arise in mediation, particularly within the framework of restorative justice , are not aimed at finding an agreement or a solution. For example, in cases of sexual violence, the primary goal is to provide a space for expression, understanding, and dialogue.

Thus, we can see that the relational approach to mediation has numerous advantages, both in the short term during the meeting and in the long term. It is particularly important in contexts where the situation involves people who have connections and are likely to interact.