Why is it so difficult to find the right words in the midst of conflict?

During a conflict, a difficult discussion, or a tense situation with loved ones or those we interact with, expressing ourselves clearly is often complicated. How can we share our emotions and needs without blaming the other person? How can we stay calm in order to maintain a constructive dialogue?

The invisible barriers of our communication

Sometimes, we lack the words, so we either remain silent or use inadequate ones.

Sometimes, we say too many words, too loudly, they get ahead of our thoughts and cause harm.

Sometimes, words frighten us, whether because they are too hard to say, or because they risk causing pain.

Sometimes, our words are misunderstood or misinterpreted, due to old wounds, a lack of trust, overwhelming emotions, a limited vocabulary, or attributed motives that lock us into tunnel vision.

Sometimes, words are left unspoken,  whether out of a lack of courage or a misplaced sense of "respect" (which often hides a fear of hurting others, cowardice, or the fear of not being loved). We hesitate to say the necessary words—the true words—those that may sting at first but ultimately set us free.

Sometimes, the words vanish, they are perfectly organized in our minds when we are alone, but in front of the other person, our emotions take over and clarity escapes us.

The weight of education and society

Some of us never learned to speak with restraint or to explain things calmly, due to family models where shouting, reproach, and verbal violence reigned supreme.

Our society and education do not always encourage learning how to identify and express our needs and feelings. As a result, many feel ill-equipped or illegitimate in naming—or even feeling—their emotions.

Did you know that alexithymia, characterized by a marked difficulty in identifying, understanding, and expressing one's own emotions (and sometimes those of others), affects approximately 9 to 17% of men and 5 to 10% of women?

In an age where communication often happens through screens and text messages, an additional hurdle arises: the absence of non-verbal communication. Without the tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language, interpreting someone's true intentions becomes a minefield.

All these examples show that when we are in a conflictual situation, sharing our sincere emotions, needs, and wounds can sometimes seem insurmountable.

"Between

what I think,

what I want to say,

what I believe I am saying,

what I say,

what you want to hear,

what you hear,

what you believe you understand,

what you want to understand,

and what you understand,

there are at least nine possibilities of misunderstanding."

- Bernard Werber

Relational Mediation: A space to relearn how to communicate

Preparation

For those situations where the right words fail us, mediation is particularly relevant. In my practice of interpersonal mediation, I always offer individual preparation for each party before the joint exchange takes place. During this session, my role is, among other things, to help you:

• Clarify what you feel, what you need, and what you want to share.

• Frame your message according to the principles of Non-Violent Communication (NVC).

• Equip you to refocus on expressing your own emotions and needs, rather than on blaming the other and escalating aggression.

• Identify your fears (such as the fear of getting angry, crying, freezing, etc.) and find solutions to alleviate these concerns before the joint meeting.

Support during the mediation

During the mediation session, I am always present to support the parties with kindness as they express themselves and listen to each other with respect. A framework is established at the beginning of the meeting, and I am the guarantor of its maintenance throughout the process. Using tools such as reframing, pauses, open-ended questions, and calls for introspection, I ensure that everyone remains calm and can apply the communication keys discussed beforehand.

Being able to express oneself with clarity and sincerity, while taking responsibility for one's own feelings without the other person feeling attacked, often brings great relief. It is an opportunity for participants to regain their empowerment over the situation that concerns them—for the duration of the mediation, and for the rest of their lives!